How Many Outlines is Too Many Outlines?

I've never been one to plan out my writing.

I've actually not planned it out so much, that it's rare that I get through anything that I was writing. It was my worst habit, starting something, having a great idea or scene, and then allowing it to fade off into the sunset.

It was a miracle that I finished my play, and I think the only reason I was able to finish that, was because it reminded me of bare bones. I'm still not good at writing very long pieces, and the full story for Elah is going to be an incredible feat.

This isn't about Elah, it's about outlining. I'd like to think that the play is something of an outline for the story, although there are large differences, and sub-plots that I couldn't even write in, I know where the story is going, and what kind of people the characters are.

The first story I've actually fully outlined is called Front of the Whorehouse. It's a fantastic piece, and it's so settling that I know exactly where it's going to go. I love that I know where it's going. With each page I write, I know I'm one page closer to the next bullet mark. With each bullet mark, I know that I'm one step closer to finishing the story. I love that idea, it lets me know that I have 70% more to write (and, maybe 100 more pages). It's not that staggering anymore.

But with that first outline, it made me go gung-ho, and I'm on an outline kick. I've written full outlines for five more stories. Five more full short stories.

I haven't even started these others, and I'm afraid to. I don't want to overwhelm myself with too many projects, but at the same time, I don't want to focus too much on one story, and have my creativity burn out with it. This is such a jacked up conundrum. Considering that I can only go through a few pages a day, if I'm lucky, it might be better for me that I try to spread myself a bit more.

For the moment, I'm just going to continue writing for this particular story as much as I can. I want to complete this, before I start putting all of my energy into something else. I'm trying to learn how to throw myself into my work.

I wonder if anyone else goes on an outline bender...

Well, I should get back to my work.

Do Not Mention 50 Shades of Anything To Me

Let me start by saying: I have, and will NOT read that book series.

If there's anything that I know a lot about, it's fan fiction. I've written fan fiction (mostly Harry Potter) since I was 13 years old. Sometimes, I still read fan fiction, enjoying alternate universes that readers can see the characters in. Hell, I also write it still, on occasion.

There are works of fan fiction that are great, such as the Cassandra Clare's Draco Trilogy, which I'm downloading as I speak. It is a masterpiece, this is not.

That is the immediate reason why I am not impressed by this series.

At first, it piqued my interest: BDSM in a series? Well sign me up for a copy! The first strike from the story, was that it was Twilight fan fiction. I read the first book, it was alright, but the culture that spawned from it irritated me to the point where I would refuse to read them.

The more I learned about the book, the more it irritated me. For one, it's not even a well written fan fiction. I've read excerpts on Evil Slutopia, and I can't help wanting to bash my head into the keyboard. The way that the character thinks, the way that the character responds, not to mention the Christian Gray... There are only two Mr. Gray's that I'd have anything to do with: Mr.E. Edward Gray from the movie Secretary, and Mr. Dorian Gray from his novel.

Not only do the characters annoy me, but the way the relationship unfolds annoys me. The story is an entirely inaccurate portrayal of Dominance and submission, and how it should occur. From what I understand about Christian Gray, he's no different that the hundreds (and I'm being quite literal) of Seme's that I've read in yaoi. Hell, I take Iason Mink over Christian Gray every time. Every time.

Unfortunately, every day, I'm forced to hear something about this moronic book, to see the author on day time television, to hear discussions about it. This book is not the Story of O, but people seem to put it in the same category (although I don't consider O to be erotica, but that's a different blog). This book just goes to show me that the state of literature in the world.

I do not want to sound like an asshole/hater, but I know I write better than that. My friends and I write better stories than that. Hell, we wrote better stories than that in our freshman year of high school. I just dislike that this book is seen as the bees knees, when it's really not.

I've heard from people that the book does have upsides; it's bringing to light BDSM, and having it discussed, is a good thing, especially for those that are shy about such things. I guess that's a good thing. Anything that opens up discussions is a good thing.

But this book is a Twilight fan fiction. That is badly written. That has been mentioned to me so many times that I make sure to let people know my feelings before even bringing it up. And for these reasons, I want nothing to do with it. Some people may think that I'm just talking a big game. I'm not.

I just realized something positive that this book has done: it's forced me to be even more diligent about my writing, so that I can show people what good erotica reads like.

Loss and its Effect On Writing

If there's anything that I've learned from experiencing death, it's that it definitely affects ones creativity. I know that when my mother died, it did something to my writing.

I didn't do any real reading, besides National Geographic and Smithsonian articles, and I really didn't do any creative writing. The one thing I did write extensively, was my diary.

In it, I was able to chronicle everything that was happening with my mom, with my family. It's not something I look back on. I avoid reading that particular diary because those emotions make me feel as if my heart is exploding. I've only written about it once, for a school project on the grieving process. My teacher told me she didn't read it, but she kept it as proof that I wrote it. I guess it forces someone to face the mortality of their own parents.

Anyway, back to it, and my writing.

Because of what I went through, I'm now able to effectively write about loss. It's not something I'm proud of, nor is it something that I've actually used much in my writing.

Not long after my mother died, I tried to write a piece about a girl whose identical twin was dying, in the same manner that my mother did. It was a story, beside the fact that the characters were identical twins, many people could relate to. It never panned out to be more than a re-telling of my mother.

I actually did use it, use my diary to write the death of a character in my teenage diary tale. I need now only to get the entries into order, and make sure it's a cohesive story, beyond the teenage shenanigans.

Another thing I noticed after my mother's death, was how I had written death before that time. I must admit, it was rather convincing. I had all of the "right" things, and it struck the same chords inside me, but it didn't have the same poignancy. It was merely me regurgitating whatever I had read before about loss.

Now... it's a reality that I've experienced oh too personally. It's made me rethink things that are important to my characters. I now make them face their own mortality more, and the mortality of their loved ones. I make them think of a world without that specific object of their affection. I force them to confront what I've confronted. I think it makes for multidimensional characters, which is always a good thing.

I wonder if anyone out there has really put their loss to work for them. I'd love to know...

Putting in my 10,000 hours

I've read that in order to truly master something, you must put in 10,000 hours of work. That is a daunting task, even for the most dedicated writer.

It is even more daunting when I feel I am not meeting my potential.

I've made several mistakes, things that I should know better about:

• I've neglected my reading. Recently, the only thing that I've read was The Last Unicorn by Peter S. Beagle. It was a beautiful book. It made me cry, it was stunning, it's a book that I would read to my brats if I;m ever to have any. I read another novel, but it wasn't the type of that I usually read. Those two books, and a slew of National Geographic and Smithsonian magazine articles. I used to read hundreds of pages a day.
• I'm not writing the way that I usually would. I get through a few pages a day. For me, putting in a solid hour is a miracle day that would go down in the annals of history. I know I shouldn't judge myself based on what other people do, but I know that if I want to be a professional, and taken seriously, I must put in the hours.
• I misuse my Kindle. I knew, deep down inside, that there was a reason that I wanted to e-reader kindle, and not the Fire. With the fire, I've only read a few books, but I play a lot of awesome games. But getting perfect scores in Bubble Blast, or figuring out the puzzles in 100 Levels. I think I will read Uncle Tom's Cabin, since I have it.

I'm not sure what I should do. I think that I will set a schedule for myself, especially while looking for a job. I need to look for somewhere to publish my writing. If I find somewhere, I'll definitely put a link to it up here.

Untitled Love Poem

Sometimes when I’m alone

I whisper your name to myself

I look to see how it rolls off my tongue

To see if it give me electric currents

Deep through my core

When I really love someone

I do not want to kiss them.

I want to lick their tongue and taste their insides

Their lips are like two uncooked chunks of chicken breast

Sans the salmonella.

Sometimes I want to know what you’re thinking

And see what goes through your mind

I wish your thoughts were projected

Onto the wall you stare at

So we may enjoy them together

I want to let you know what I’m thinking

To confess each though that passes through my mind

To let you know even the ones I try to pretend don’t exist

But I’m afraid

No one is privy to the entirety of my mind

I wonder what I should call you

If there is a title for what we do together.

Are we fuck buddies? I like that phrase

Because it makes me feel as if we’re friends

But wee are not friends,

Not really

I’d never call you boyfriend.

We’re not teenagers in high school

I think I’ll just call you by your name

Since it has become my favorite word.

I Love You-- A poem

I love you

I love you deeper

I love you longer

I love you harder

I want you

I want you deeper

I want you longer

I want you harder

I want to please you

I want to please you deeper

I want to please you longer

I want to please you harder

You are the center of my universe

You are the center of my being

You are the meaning of my existence

You are my reason for being

I am yours

I am yours deeper

I am yours longer

I am yours harder

Use me

Use me deeper

Use me longer

Use me harder

With your touch

With your word

With your caress

With your glance

You control me

You control me

You control me

You control me

I am intelligent

I am crafty

I am beautiful

I am orgasms incarnate

I wish to please you

I wish to serve you

I wish to enjoy you

I wish to love you

Pull me

Use me

Slap me

Bite me

I am yours

I love you

I love you

I love you

Passions or Money: The Choice of my Major

Let me put this first and foremost: writing is my passion. I've woken up days, and immediately reached for my pen and notebook. However, writing, does not make money so quickly. That is where my collegiate major comes in. The monetary gain of my associates degree in English, seems almost like a waste of college for me. Honestly, thus far into my college career, it has done absolutely nothing for the writing that I truly enjoy doing. Granted, I have learned how to properly do a MLA citation, but that does nothing for my quest to correctly delve deeper into my character's psyche. Besides that, I haven't seen a way to make enough money, to afford to go to college. It sucks one thousand times over.

But, the college that I has chosen to go to, I had picked because it had a Veterinary Technician program. If there is one thing that is from me, besides my writing, is that I love animals. Hell, even in my writing, most of my characters have pets of some sort. And becoming a vet tech would have a lovely sum of money coming in, and I would be able to work with animals every day of my life. That is a beautiful prospect in itself. But, I refuse to look at the world through rose-colored glasses. I know that a life of working with animals is not just happy time with cute puppies. It would be a life that would be straight out of Animal Cops. I currently cannot wrap my mind around the concept of watching the death of animals each and every day simply because of human neglect and abuse. Seeing animal that may not make it out of the hospital, through no fault of their own. I know each day I would come home crying for God knows how long.

It's so hard for me to imagine doing the latter, but it seems to be the best path for me. Unlike writing, which is, shotty at best, it is a career where I will be able to work with things I truly love. My dad tries to convince me to work with people, but I just don't like people that much. No offense, but I'm an animal person. I know that I'll clean up vomit and feces from an animal, more quickly than a stranger. And, I would have downside, when at home, to write, and focus, and have money to do whatever I needed to survive in New York City. And, once I do begin to become published, I will be able to go back to school to pursue my English degrees up to doctorate school. I still write my fiction everyday, I'm trying to get back on my reading flow, and stop using my Kindle for games and Facebook. I've really been heavily working on writing out outlines for stories. It makes me feel so secure knowing exactly what I'm trying to do. As of right now, I'm working on an outline of Elah, the novel version. It's so crazy for me that I cannot completely trust the play as the story outline. They really have small story lines and arcs, and paths that cannot be fully explored on the stage in a limited time setting.

See, ugh, this is why I wanted to be a writer... I thought school would help with all that. But it hasn't. Nor has it offered a way for me to make livable moolah. Therefore, I've decided to change my mind from my a degree in reading, and actually do something meaningful with my life. Will it stop me as a writer, hell no, and it can only benefit me, once I wrap my brain around it.